On Anger
From Blind Spots: A Riches to Rags Story — Chapter X
“Every year I have a growing appreciation for the power of the tongue. One word, one phrase, one insult, those can stick with a man for the rest of his life, and I know from having been on both sides many times. You can apologize, but you will never be able to take words back once they have left your mouth. It's like plunging a knife into a tree. Pulling the knife out doesn't change that the scar will be in the tree forever.
I had to stop running hot. I would be filled with anger all day and then toss and turn all night, consumed with thoughts of revenge. I'm a Scorpio and my favorite movie is The Count of Monte Cristo. Let's just say vengeful inclinations aren't a new thing for your humbly jailed narrator to be grappling with. But now, I’d realized that these thoughts were nothing but a hindrance as I tried to navigate a vicious storm each day with a level head. There's a line from the poets known as Mobb Deep, which kept running through my mind: I'm only nineteen but my mind is old / and when the things get for real, my warm heart turns cold.
I could feel my heart getting colder, and I wanted no part of it.
The unfortunate truth is that the criminal justice system is custom-built to turn your warm heart cold. There is no rehabilitation. You are strictly there to be punished. It shouldn't come as a surprise that this has a perversely criminogenic effect, a system that turns men bitter, angry, and mentally ill, one that appears designed to push these same men towards suicide in the name of greater societal good under the aegis of deterrence. And, look, I see both sides. You crucify a thief in the town square and thousands of onlookers will think twice about stealing their neighbor's ox. But that's neither here or there. All I knew is that I was now fighting a new battle, internally, to keep my warm heart warm against a blitzkrieg of toxic behavior, social stigmatization, media slander, the barbarism of mass incarceration, rumors, betrayals, and all the other tidings of joy that emerge in a high-profile cause célèbre.
I could feel the real estate in my brain being rented out. The Buddhists have it right when they say anger is like a hot coal that you hold in your hand waiting to throw at somebody. Something had to change. I wanted the end result to be thanks, but no thanks—I'm coming out of this with an even warmer heart than before. I want to put my full trust in people, I want to still believe that humans are inherently good, I want to still give the benefit of the doubt right off the bat, and I want to continue operating under the assumption that the energy you put out into the universe always comes back around your way.
There was only one path out of the wilderness, and that path was forgiveness. I had to learn it and learn it fast. All the negativity and hatred were clogging up my headspace at a time when I needed every square inch of it. The best advice I got was that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person—it's for you. Find a way to put yourself in their shoes, find a reason to forgive, blast it all out of your skull permanently, and then keep moving. The harder the choice, the easier the life, and some of the hardest choices I've come across have been learning how to silently forgive others on the spot when they wrong you. It's hard because forgive doesn't necessarily mean forget. Those knife scars are still in the tree and they'll be there until the end of time.
My final conclusion was that revenge is for losers. You're sitting around all day thinking about some other dude, and chances are, he ain't thinking about you. He owns the real estate in your head. You lose. Plus, having gotten revenge many times in life, it's never as sweet as you think it's going to be and it just paints a fresh target on your back. Forgiveness gets you to a superior headspace: apathy. Today, I just wish everyone well, friend or foe, and keep it moving. There is no room for a hateful heart. In the words of 2Pac, I still want to see you eat—just not at my table.”
Learn to forget,
GB
