On Envy
“The potter is envious of the potter, the artisan of the artisan, the poor man even of the poor man, the musician of the musician, the poet of the poet.”
I read a book last year that I didn’t particularly enjoy — Robert Greene’s The Laws of Human Nature — but it had a discussion on envy that stayed with me.
Envy is something I’ve always tried to turn a blind eye to, refusing that it lives in myself and refusing to believe that it has ever been present in the people I surround myself with. The unfortunate truth is that it’s a natural human emotion and it’s present in everyone.
I genuinely believe that I’m not a very envious person, or at least less envious than average. I was cursed with every other vice in the book yet appear to have dodged this one. Perhaps it’s impossible to be both a selfish man and an envious one at the same time. I’ve just never envied another man for shit like having tons of money or a beautiful woman, because I believe there is a nearly-unlimited supply of both money and of the opposite sex, and given that is more than enough to go around for everyone, you don’t have to step on the next man’s toes or covet his oxen.
My instinctual reaction has never been “fuck that guy,” but “I need to go work harder so that I can have those things, I gotta do better.” That said, I think the typical reaction to expect from others in these situations is “fuck that guy,” whether they openly express it or not.
If you spend a lot of time on Twitter, you see this all the time — a guy who did absolutely nothing wrong aside from being successful or wealthy will have a comments section full of crabs in a bucket, people trying to pull him down and diminish his achievements. This is 100% pure envy. It’s everywhere, and Bacon explains the reason why these same men are always up in other people’s business: it’s because they have no business of their own.
“A man that is busy and inquisitive, is commonly envious; for to know much of other men’s matters cannot be because all that ado may concern his own estate; therefore, it must needs be that he taketh a kind of play-pleasure in looking upon the fortunes of others; neither can he that mindeth but his own business find much matter for envy; for envy is a gadding passion, and walketh the streets, and doth not keep home.”
The clearest feeling of envy I can recall in my own life is explained by the Hesiod quote from above: the potter envies the potter. When I was in the process of launching my own fund, I was hoping to go out and raise anywhere from $10m to $25m. But every time I’d hear about someone else who launched with $50m or $100m — someone my age and from a comparable background, that is — I’d feel sharp pangs of envy. My mind would start looking for reasons why he was able to do that and I couldn’t. He must’ve had a super-rich dad or family connections, shit like that. I never wanted the explanation to be: well, maybe he’s just better than you; either a better investor, a better salesman, or both. I’ve always recognized how toxic envy is and been able to quickly steer my thoughts towards the undesirable truth — you’re inferior to him, do better — but there’s no denying that my instinctual reaction was envy.
Other than that, I’ve never felt plagued by envy. I’m doing my best to dig deep here, because Greene says it well: “Like most humans, you will tend to deny that you ever experience envy, at least strong enough to act on. You are simply not being honest with yourself. As described above, you are only conscious of the indignation or resentment you feel that covers up the initial pangs of envy. You need to overcome the natural resistance to seeing the emotion as it first stirs within you.” But the truth is that I’ve always wanted everyone around me to win and actively rooted for others, one, because it’s right and it’s good karma, and two, selfishly, if everyone else around me is winning, shouldn’t I theoretically stand to benefit from it? If I cheer my friend on and he wins and gets a yacht, like, why would I envy him for having a yacht? He’ll invite me onto the damn thing because I spent years rooting for him.
I was going to write that being born a child of privilege probably explains why I’m not very envious — when you have a lot, there’s less to envy — but I know plenty of guys who were born just as privileged if not moreso, and they are deeply envious by nature. So it’s not necessarily a function of how good you have it, because there’s always someone with more than you, and that’s what triggers an envious soul.
But the stuff that I see other people envying, like, it just never made sense to me logically. Money, women, we went over those. And you can’t really envy a guy for being born better looking than you. That goes for all “born” things; neither of you had any say in that matter, so what’s there to envy? This same principle goes for all racism and religious hatred; how can you despise a man for something he never chose? You have to be sick in the head to think that way. As much as I want to believe in the good in man, like, people just suck sometimes.
I guess I feel envy when I see people my age who start a company and sell it for a billion dollars and brag about it on social media, since I’m afflicted by the vice of ambition, but this envy is lessened by two things.
One, if they’re in a different line of work, it’s less relevant — we went down different paths, I couldn’t have done what they did regardless, and so the envy is only genuine when it’s the same career path as mine. Potter envies potter.
Two, I’ve known some of these people at a personal level, the ones who made a ton of money and post about it, and they have so much other shit wrong with themselves or with their lives that I’d never trade places with them for all the money in the world. Remember, you can’t envy just part of a guy — it’s everything or nothing at all.
I suppose I could push back on what I just wrote and say that they have shit wrong with them is just an envy-driven cope, but it’s true; some people are successful yet have these crazy-deep insecurities, or they’re manipulative, or hateful, or their inner life is horrible and you know that what they’re presenting to the online world is a cobbled mess of popsicle sticks and glue.
I can’t think of anything else I’m missing in terms of things I could potentially envy. If I’m wrong on any of this, or you know me well and can see a Blind Spot I’m missing, like, TELL ME. Put my ass on blast, I don’t care, I’m at war with self-deceit and I’m fine with looking stupid if that’s the price of victory.
This being said, let’s move on. Here is some of excellent content from Greene on the topic:
“Of all the human emotions, none is trickier or more elusive than envy. It is very difficult to actually discern the envy that motivates people’s actions or to even know that we have suffered an envy attack from another. This is what makes it so frustrating to deal with and so dangerous.
The reason for this elusiveness is simple: we almost never directly express the envy we are feeling. If we feel anger toward people because of something they said or did, we may try to disguise our anger for various reasons, but we are aware that we are feeling hostile. Eventually the anger will leak out in some nonverbal behavior. And if we act upon our anger, the target will feel it for what it is and more often than not know what caused the anger in that moment. But envy is very different.
All of us feel envy, the sensation that others have more of what we want—possessions, attention, respect. We deserve to have as much as they do yet feel somewhat helpless to get such things. But as discussed above, envy entails the admission to ourselves that we are inferior to another person in something we value. Not only is it painful to admit this inferiority, but it is even worse for others to see that we are feeling this.
And so almost as soon as we feel the initial pangs of envy, we are motivated to disguise it to ourselves—it is not envy we feel but unfairness at the distribution of goods or attention, resentment at this unfairness, even anger. Furthermore, the other person is not really superior but simply lucky, overly ambitious, or unscrupulous. That’s how they got to where they are. Having convinced ourselves that envy is not motivating us but something else, we also make it very difficult for others to detect the underlying envy. They see only our anger, indignation, hostile criticisms, poisonous praise, and so on.”
What he says well is that envy is such an incredibly shameful emotion that we go to extremes to hide it. We never want others to see it in us, and we never even want to see it in ourselves! It’s a doubly painful admission: we’re not just jealous, but we’re inferior as well.
How many people do you know that have ever openly admitted, I’m an envious man? I think for me, it’s zero. Yet now that I’ve become better at spotting it, I know many people that I’d describe as envious individuals.
Greene writes how to spot envy:
“Microexpressions: When people first experience envy, they have not yet fooled themselves into thinking it is something else, and so they are more prone to leakage than later on. That is why first impressions are often the most accurate and should be given added weight in this case. Envy is most associated with the eyes. The root of the Latin word for envy, invidia, means “to look through, to probe with the eyes like a dagger.” The early meaning of the word was associated with the “evil eye” and the belief that a look could actually convey a curse and physically harm someone.
The eyes are indeed a telling indicator, but the envious microexpression affects the entire face. You will notice the envier’s eyes momentarily boring into you, with a look that suggests disdain and a touch of hostility. It is the look of a child who feels cheated. With this look the corners of the mouth will often be turned down, the nose in a sneering, somewhat upturned position, the chin jutting out. Although the look will be a little too direct and held a little too long, it still will not last more than a second or two. It is usually followed with a strained, fake smile. Often you will see the look by accident, as you suddenly turn your head their direction, or you will feel their eyes burning into you without directly looking at them.
The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788–1860) devised a quick way to elicit these looks and test for envy. Tell suspected enviers some good news about yourself—a promotion, a new and exciting love interest, a book contract. You will notice a very quick expression of disappointment. Their tone of voice as they congratulate you will betray some tension and strain. Equally, tell them some misfortune of yours and notice the uncontrollable microexpression of joy in your pain, what is commonly known as schadenfreude. Their eyes light up for a fleeting second. People who are envious cannot help feeling some glee when they hear of the bad luck of those they envy.”
That was the part that stayed with me; the step-by-step of how to test someone for envy. To actually perform that test on someone would make me feel like a manipulative asshole, but in a group setting where I can be silent, listen, observe and read people, I’ve learned what to look for, and it’s real.
Greene also discusses gossip as the sign of an envious man:
“If people like to gossip a lot, particularly about common acquaintances, you can be sure they will gossip about you. And gossip is a frequent cover for envy, a convenient way to vent it by sharing malicious rumors and stories. When they talk about others behind their backs, you will see their eyes light up and their voice become animated—it gives them a joy comparable to schadenfreude. They will elicit any kind of negative report about a common acquaintance. A frequent theme in their gossip is that no one’s really that great, and people aren’t what they pretend to be.
If you ever get wind of a story they have spread about you, subtly or not so subtly negative, only one such instance should be enough to raise your antennae. What indicates active envy in this case is that they are your friend and they feel the need to vent their underlying hostility to a third party rather than keep it to themselves. If you notice that friends or colleagues are suddenly cooler to you than before for no apparent reason, such gossiping might be the source and would be worth ferreting out. In any event, serial gossipers do not make loyal and trustworthy friends.”
What makes envy so awful is that it exists not just amongst enemies but amongst your closest friends. I can’t speak as candidly here from personal experience as I’d like to, lest I appear to be taking subliminal shots at someone reading this, but the hard truth is that you don’t know who around you is envious until you fail. That’s when true colors get shown, that’s when you discover that there were people who smiled in your face for years on end yet they were rooting against you the whole time.
Also, even if it’s an accurate statement, you cannot write “so-and-so has always been envious of me.” Implicit in that statement is that you’re better than him. It’s so arrogant you can’t put it in print! So, not only does envy remain hidden in the envier, it can’t be brought to light by the person being envied. Envy is a snake, a foul, venomous snake.
“The envious die not once, but as oft as the envied win applause.”
And, so, like many of the posts on this site, we’ve come face to face with some of the uglier truths of life. In the words of La Rochefoucauld: In the misfortunes of our best friends we always find something not altogether displeasing to us. And while I don’t know the source of this next aphorism, it sure is real: Your friends want you to do well…but not better than them. So keep your wins between you and God, move silently and mind your own damn business. There was a tweet I had three months ago to this effect and the sentiment still rings true.
In the immortal words of Jay-Z’s “Heart of the City,”
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What you mad, cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
GB
